| Jun. 30th, 2009 @ 10:36 am Symbolic Material, the Unconscious, & Practicing Compassion |
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Current Mood:  confused
First I have to say..no really..I am in that bad of a mood.
and this post comes out spazzy in part because I had to write it at work while in the midst of a meeting.. but I needed to get it down on 'paper' while I was experiencing it. Sorry for the SPAZ.
My hormones are all out of whack. I am spotting, my emotions are kabluey, I feel alien in my own skin and very uncomfortable. Ick. I try to remember that this is part of the whole weight loss/rapid release of estrogen stored in fat cells thing. ICK. It's like PMS x10. Of course, another part of me is saying..maybe this is not hormones maybe this is more weird shit surfacing from my ocean unconscious yesod working at solstice. WTF? Why did I do that working again? It's messing with my life. Oh wait.. I'm trying to actually get K&C. HMPH. Anyway.. I keep pushing my conscious mind into the mass of non-verbal uconscious symbolic material otherwise known as my unconscious to try and see what is going on and but I can't seem to get anything out of it. It's just a mass of weird feelings and discomfort. I don't like children that can't talk.. so clearly this is not a positive experience either. I feel like taking up pulling my hair out.
I even honked at a driver that cut off me off twice in rapid succession this morning instead of offering universal kindness and compassion. AAieeee!!! How dare I let my emotions get away from themselves and find the nearest poor outlet?!!! Even if they were $#$%#%#$@ !
On that note.. I've been doing all this work to forgive, process, and find equanimity and peace with all my former peoples.
I have to do this with my current peoples too. It's so much easier to forgive someone that is five years in the past than to forgive someome that is a week ago or a month ago..where the pain is fresh. There are a number of people who have hurt me within the last six months. I have seemed to be able to foster forgiveness, acceptance, compassion, and clear boundaries for any relationship over six months. Mostly.. with some notable exceptions. The ones that are less than six months..well..those are still a struggle.
I will be walking around and something will remind me of that person/situation and a slew of emotional responses occurs. Anger, indignation, hurt, betrayal, confusion, etc. It's my goal to have no negative response toward anyone. To simply set appropriate boundaries & offer love and compassion from whatever distance is appropriate to keep myself from continued harm. Achieving this is sometimes really hard though.
I've come to recognize my emotional reactivity stems from ( three primary sources )
I'm all tangles and knots sometimes.. and today is one of those days.. |
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